[NP-Clinical] Grief info and other help needed

[Kimberly Spering]

Christine~

My deepest sympathies and heart-felt prayers go out to you and your family.  I can only imagine the heartache that you must be going through.

The only thoughts I have in addition to Peg's comments are to delegate things based on a person's forte or strengths.  As in, people good on the phone can make calls; those who need "active" work can do more physical tasks, e.g. food preparation, cleaning if needed.  If things are difficult in dealing with your family on a longer-term basis, offer to do things away from the house to give yourself a break.

The nicest thing I ever heard from a friend during a crisis was, "Tell me what I can do for you...even if it is just to sit with you quietly."  I almost hated the "call me if you need anything" type of comments.  I am generally hesitant to call people for favors, even in a crisis.

Please keep us posted~

Wishing you the best~

Kim Spering


  ----- Original Message ----- 
  From: Christine Smith 
  To: np-clinical at nurse.net 
  Sent: Sunday, March 18, 2007 5:39 AM
  Subject: [NP-Clinical] Grief info and other help needed


  I need some guidance. My 56 yo brother, Steve,  was killed instantly Thursday in Vancouver, WA when he was hit head on while on a spring ride on his Harley  by a 17 yo kid who was attempting to a pass a semi truck.  He was the best - a huge source of companionship, support etc to my parents, especially my dad.. Very involved in the family, well loved - story book marriage, successful, retiring in June from State Farm -- the whole 9 yards. He has spent most of the last year in a hotel with his wife in New Orleans area settling Katrina claims.  No one is doing well but especially his wife and my dad. No sleep now in three days. My sister, all 100 pounds of her, hallucinated on the Ambien we gave her.

  People in my family do not die. We just go to the hospital over and over. We have always been a motorcycle family - I did some impressive leg damage, my dad and mom were hit by a drunk driver and survived when on their Harley. My sister just finished have her bike painted a brilliant teal. We do not feel bad about the cause of death - 17 year old kids do stupid things and we all have our own stupid kids. It was unfortunate and wreckless, but pointless to be angry with him. He could have been one of our own kids since they all feel they are invincible and nothing bad will happen.

  My mom can barely get around - she is S/P knee replacement by just a few weeks.  My dad has aged a 100 years since Thursday per one of my sisters.. I feel helpless - there are tons and tons of people around and in and out of several houses. I have my own grief too and great pain for his kids and my sister. Everyone wants to do something but no one can think how to delegate things or give some of these helpers things to do. I am leaving in a few hours for Washington and will be up there for the next week. The funeral is not until Thursday and it is going to be a long, depressing week. This is even harder for me as I do not do well staying at my parents for such a long time - I usually do better taking my family in small doses - like three days max.

  Please advise on things that others have found helpful with this sort of tragic loss. What really was nice? What did you or your families find helpful?  I appreciate any condolences but what I really need is pure wisdom and tips on getting us all through the next week. 

  Thanks in advance for your support 
  Chris Smith, NP
  Antioch, CA


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