[NP-Clinical] Grief info and other help needed

[Mary Beck]

Hi Chris,
  My heart and my prayers go out to you at this terrible time. What a tragedy that your family must try to make sense of and get through in the next weeks and months. An event like this reminds us that we humans are fallible, fragile creatures, and life is fleeting; we all need to try to make the most of each day. I can't say that I've had anyone very close to me die suddenly like you have, but I have had other personal tragedies. It seems that the mundane tasks of life-grocery shopping, doing laundry, preparing meals, watching a movie on TV, just putting one foot in front of the other-help you feel more normal at crazy times. You didn't mention the ages of your brother and sister-in-law's kids, but maybe you could plan some activities with them-go for a walk, movie, out to eat, help them with homework. 
  A close friend who lost her husband suddenly last year told me that one of the most healing things her family did was to go through photo albums and reminisce, and pull out some photos to make storyboards of her husband's life. These were displayed at the wake before the funeral. It was interesting to those of us who didn't know him well to have a glimpse into who he was. She also mentioned that going through the photo albums, videos and memorabilia brought a lot of tears and laughter that was very therapeutic. The get-together after the funeral is really a necessary time for family and friends to talk, cry, laugh, remember. You know that sharing the grief burden helps families to start the recovery process. 
  Perhaps your sister-in-law might find some comfort and support in a grief support group in the next weeks and months. She may feel overwhelmed as she assumes all the responsibility of parenting and becoming the head of the household while she's dealing with her own loss. She needs a place where she can vent and get support as her life shifts gears. 
  God keep you all, Christine.

Mary Beck
  ----- Original Message ----- 
  From: Christine Smith 
  To: np-clinical at nurse.net 
  Sent: Sunday, March 18, 2007 4:39 AM
  Subject: [NP-Clinical] Grief info and other help needed


  I need some guidance. My 56 yo brother, Steve,  was killed instantly Thursday in Vancouver, WA when he was hit head on while on a spring ride on his Harley  by a 17 yo kid who was attempting to a pass a semi truck.  He was the best - a huge source of companionship, support etc to my parents, especially my dad.. Very involved in the family, well loved - story book marriage, successful, retiring in June from State Farm -- the whole 9 yards. He has spent most of the last year in a hotel with his wife in New Orleans area settling Katrina claims.  No one is doing well but especially his wife and my dad. No sleep now in three days. My sister, all 100 pounds of her, hallucinated on the Ambien we gave her.

  People in my family do not die. We just go to the hospital over and over. We have always been a motorcycle family - I did some impressive leg damage, my dad and mom were hit by a drunk driver and survived when on their Harley. My sister just finished have her bike painted a brilliant teal. We do not feel bad about the cause of death - 17 year old kids do stupid things and we all have our own stupid kids. It was unfortunate and wreckless, but pointless to be angry with him. He could have been one of our own kids since they all feel they are invincible and nothing bad will happen.

  My mom can barely get around - she is S/P knee replacement by just a few weeks.  My dad has aged a 100 years since Thursday per one of my sisters.. I feel helpless - there are tons and tons of people around and in and out of several houses. I have my own grief too and great pain for his kids and my sister. Everyone wants to do something but no one can think how to delegate things or give some of these helpers things to do. I am leaving in a few hours for Washington and will be up there for the next week. The funeral is not until Thursday and it is going to be a long, depressing week. This is even harder for me as I do not do well staying at my parents for such a long time - I usually do better taking my family in small doses - like three days max.

  Please advise on things that others have found helpful with this sort of tragic loss. What really was nice? What did you or your families find helpful?  I appreciate any condolences but what I really need is pure wisdom and tips on getting us all through the next week. 

  Thanks in advance for your support 
  Chris Smith, NP
  Antioch, CA


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