[NP-Clinical] Grief info and other help needed

[lmp at epix.net]

Chris--I am so sorry to hear of this tragedy! It sounds like your brother was a big part of the glue that keeps a family together also.  I think the listserv has offered some great suggestions [Amy, you are super!!--you are there in Vancouver for a reason this week!]. Our family has done the picture boards with great success and also, depending on the wishes of your family, some "mini-eulogies" on what your brother meant to them, reminiscences. You mentioned that he rode a Harley--I have been to a funeral with a motorcycle escort--kind of like a final salute; it was awesome.  Also if motorcycles are important to your family, consider donations to a trust for those lost in cycle accidents to honor his name.
As Peg said, griefwork is difficult and takes time. Everyone does it in his/her own space and time. Some people benefit from a hospital or church run support group, others from journaling, talking,praying, and crying. 
With a sudden death like your brother's there is also the feeling of not getting the chance to say goodbye or say some things that you wanted to. I have always believed that in the period after death, there is still an open window of communication with the departed, so taking some time to just "talk" and share with him can be helpful.
I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts this week, sending healing.
Lori Martin-Plank, CRNP
 
> From: "Christine Smith" <chrisbsmith at mindspring.com>
> Date: 2007/03/18 Sun AM 05:39:25 EDT
> To: <np-clinical at nurse.net>
> Subject: [NP-Clinical] Grief info and other help needed
> 
> I need some guidance. My 56 yo brother, Steve,  was killed instantly Thursday in Vancouver, WA when he was hit head on while on a spring ride on his Harley  by a 17 yo kid who was attempting to a pass a semi truck.  He was the best - a huge source of companionship, support etc to my parents, especially my dad.. Very involved in the family, well loved - story book marriage, successful, retiring in June from State Farm -- the whole 9 yards. He has spent most of the last year in a hotel with his wife in New Orleans area settling Katrina claims.  No one is doing well but especially his wife and my dad. No sleep now in three days. My sister, all 100 pounds of her, hallucinated on the Ambien we gave her.
> 
> People in my family do not die. We just go to the hospital over and over. We have always been a motorcycle family - I did some impressive leg damage, my dad and mom were hit by a drunk driver and survived when on their Harley. My sister just finished have her bike painted a brilliant teal. We do not feel bad about the cause of death - 17 year old kids do stupid things and we all have our own stupid kids. It was unfortunate and wreckless, but pointless to be angry with him. He could have been one of our own kids since they all feel they are invincible and nothing bad will happen.
> 
> My mom can barely get around - she is S/P knee replacement by just a few weeks.  My dad has aged a 100 years since Thursday per one of my sisters.. I feel helpless - there are tons and tons of people around and in and out of several houses. I have my own grief too and great pain for his kids and my sister. Everyone wants to do something but no one can think how to delegate things or give some of these helpers things to do. I am leaving in a few hours for Washington and will be up there for the next week. The funeral is not until Thursday and it is going to be a long, depressing week. This is even harder for me as I do not do well staying at my parents for such a long time - I usually do better taking my family in small doses - like three days max.
> 
> Please advise on things that others have found helpful with this sort of tragic loss. What really was nice? What did you or your families find helpful?  I appreciate any condolences but what I really need is pure wisdom and tips on getting us all through the next week. 
> 
> Thanks in advance for your support 
> Chris Smith, NP
> Antioch, CA
> 
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